My Oncologist was disrespectful of my choice to remain flat so I replaced her.

We can file this under the "Fight Hard" part of my philosophy.

This road trip through cancer is too long to travel with an Oncologist who tries to undermine my well being. She was so bothered by my choice to have flat closure (no reconstruction) after mastectomy and my natural silver hair that she repeatedly made negative comments about my appearance.

Seriously, my oncologist was upset I have a flat chest and silver hair - so weird right? I am happy with my flat chest and I love my silver hair, and after a year of her mistreatment, I accepted she's never going to get better and I had enough of her mistreatment. I shouldn't have waited so long, but in coping with cancer, I was focused on completing my radiation treatments before I took a breath and dealt with my oncologist. When I had the strength, I left her behind and reached out to my nurse navigator who stepped in, contacted the cancer center on my behalf and had my file transferred to a new oncologist. Having a nurse navigator in my corner once again made my cancer fight a little easier.

More details about the situation below if you want to know more.

It started off fine . . .My oncologist (I'll call "Dr. T") was referred to me by my breast cancer surgeon. When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, they determined I had Stage 3b - Invasive Lobular Carcinoma. My cancer had spread to my skin and some lymph nodes so I needed chemotherapy before I could get a mastectomy. I researched her and she has great credentials but also has many online reviews about her bedside manner, or lack of one. I met her and she was very confident about my case, she said she was going to put me through several types of chemotherapy over four months and she believed she could get a good result. I was terrified and her confidence gave me hope. Once I finished all the rounds of chemotherapy, my scans couldn't even find the cancer that had previously been very large. I was thrilled with the results. I went on to have my surgery, a double mastectomy with no reconstruction, and several lymph nodes removed followed by 30 rounds of radiation. I write about my reasons for going flat in another post so I won't repeat myself here, except to say I have never doubted my choice and I am very happy with my results.

Things started changing for the worst once I decided to go flat after mastectomy.

At my oncology appointment in October, 2019. just before my mastectomy surgery, Dr. T, expressed her disapproval of my choice to not have reconstruction. I had done months of research during my chemotherapy, I met with a plastic surgeon so I would have all the information, and I made my choice knowing full well what I would look like and more importantly how I would heal without need for additional surgery and without all the risks for more cancer and complications that breast implants are known for. I explained all this to my oncologist, and she didn't listen to me, she just said "You are a woman, you need your curves". I knew I would receive some negative reactions for choosing not to have breast-like mounds built onto my chest but I didn’t expect to get it from my oncologist.

Looking back on that day I am furious about it. We expect doctors to be better than that, but in reality, they are human and some of them are thoughtless and inconsiderate. I am thankful every day that my surgeon has been nothing but supportive and kind, I needed her awesomeness to balance out the negativity from my oncologist.

I have been seeing Dr. T every few months for followup and will need my oncologist for at least 10 years as I'm on an aromatase inhibitor to stop or slow a recurrence or spread of my breast cancer. This is a longterm relationship that I need to feel good about. Since my mastectomy on Halloween, 2019, I have had 4 followup appointments with Dr. T.  Each time, she expresses her disappointment that I didn't get reconstruction, she examines my chest and scrunches up her nose with disapproval. I'll list some of the comments she's made to me and my responses below:

• "It looks like someone just sliced off your chest, it is so flat" and I responded well that's exactly what happened, have you never seen a mastectomy without reconstruction before?

• After surgery my hair had grown in about a half inch when I had a followup appointment with Dr. T. She took one look at my short silver hair and told me I can dye it. I reminded her I had spent two years growing my silver before I went bald from chemo (she knew me before my hair fell out but I guess she doesn't remember my hair I was so proud of) and I hoped she wouldn’t be negative about it in the future.

• One day she asked, "But your husband, how does he feel?"and I responded that it was my husband who first brought up that he didn't want me to have to go through reconstruction. He is completely supportive and is happy with my choice too. She shook her head like she didn't believe me.

• At my last appointment with her, she suggested if I'm not getting reconstruction that I should get a prosthetic bra. At this point, I was losing my patience and my ability to remain pleasant but I held back what I really wanted to say because a young doctor was shadowing her that day and I didn't want to have a confrontation in front of that new doctor and make things more awkward. I felt like the young doctor felt my pain though, she looked at me with a "What the fuck?" expression. I took a deep breath and responded that probably the only good thing that happened to me because of cancer is I don't have to ever wear a bra again. Bras suck and I'm happy to never wear one again. Does this woman really think I needed her to tell me that prosthetic bras exist?

In addition to her comments about how much she dislikes how MY chest looks she continued to comment at each appointment that she thinks I should dye my hair. She says I should dye it to match my eyebrows.  The joke is on her because my eyebrows are getting gray too and I use makeup to color them in. At my last appointment with her, I responded with an enthusiastic "Dr. T, I like my silver hair and my flat chest, I am still cute!". I could tell she did not receive what I was telling her. She is oblivious to how unprofessional her comments are.

Dr. T isn't going to change her unprofessional behavior but I can move on without her.

After nearly a year of follow up appointments post chemo, it seems there is no end to Dr. T's comments about my appearance.  Now that I'm through the initial trauma of dealing with cancer, and I'm looking at 10 total years of Letrozole treatment, I've started to be able to deal with this disappointing treatment by Dr. T.  I don't want to go through 10 years or more of defending my flat chest and silver hair at every appointment.  I knew I had to do something but I didn't know how to handle it.

For weeks I tried to think of a solution that would both put an end to her comments but also allow me to have a good relationship with my oncologist. I've thought about writing her a letter to explain how this is affecting me or starting off my next appointment by addressing the situation.  My concern is that she hasn't been listening to me all these months and this would end up being an adversarial situation and the last thing I need is an oncologist who doesn't like me.  I need my doctors to like me and want me to live, right?  

So my second option is just asking to be transferred to another oncologist at a different location of my Cancer Center.  It's an emotional situation for me as I am so thankful for the treatment I received throughout chemotherapy, but things have changed and I'm not willing to continue with more of her unprofessional fixation with my flat chest and silver hair.

I reached out to my Breast Health Navigator at the hospital where I had my surgery. She has been a wealth of information and support throughout my treatment so I asked for her advice. She responded to me, "I am so sorry you have been dealing with Dr. T’s comments and I completely understand your feelings. While she is a great oncologist, I have heard she can be insensitive to patients at times. It seems like you have tried many times to express yourself and you should definitely feel comfortable with a physician you will be seeing for 10 years." She recommended a couple of alternative oncologists and after I made my choice, my Nurse Navigator is coordinating the switch and I will meet my new oncologist in November.